i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
