Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
