someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
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