ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
