When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize