we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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