Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
