her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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