oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
