i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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