"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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