He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
