pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Randomize
