I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
