She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Randomize
