Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
