I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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