He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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