not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
