The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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