I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
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his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
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Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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