so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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