Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
