As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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