Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
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