i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
We named our party play list daddy issues
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
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