I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
