I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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