now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
