my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
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