I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
