i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
