Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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