it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
