i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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