you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.