i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
