she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
