She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
are you so shy because you have an std?
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
