Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
