o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
