It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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