im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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