walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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