We won't sleep together?
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
