Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
