It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
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Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
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I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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