I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
