no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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