You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
