I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
