took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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