3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
