I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
