Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
