I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
