Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
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