you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
