I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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